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(after session 15, part II)
by Randall Morgan

Ok, if this is a duplicate post, so sorry! Cant find the find the post. Damn! I am out of town so Darren didnt get to edit, no time. Sorry. R. Sorry if it shows up twice. Stressed out. Bye, R.

"Push me," Brian said to Michael, who laughed.

"I'll push you off a cliff, asshole," Michael responded. They were sitting in soft-seated swings in a deserted playground near Ben's apartment. Their make-up had been swift. They were never able to nurse a grudge against each other. Brian's long, lanky physique dwarfed the swing, and he leisurely walked his feet back and forth in the soft earth to give himself some motion.

"Come on, Mikey. Push me."

"Do you know how ridiculous you look in that swing?"

"We can't all be the size of a munchkin. My body's more suited to slings than swings," Brian quipped.

"Yeah, and you've been PUSHED in a few of those, that's for damn sure. And I'm not a munchkin. I'm an average size. You're a geek."

Brian smirked at him. "Right."

"Why do I always feel like a perv when I'm near a playground? I always think some mom is staring at me to gauge whether I'm a child molester."

"Because you ARE a perv, Mikey."

"Not that kind of perv," he argued, getting up and standing behind Brian, flattening his hands on his broad shoulder blades and giving him a shove. Brian cooperated, pumping his long legs as soon as he got clearance. Michael pushed harder, connecting with the edge of the seat of the swing and shoving his friend higher into the air. He stepped back, straddling the swing beside Brian's, watching him soar through the air, leaning back, hair blowing, and legs doing the work to keep him aloft. Christ, he was beautiful.

Michael sighed. He hadn't known Brian when they were little boys. They missed sharing the playground stage of childhood. It all went by so quickly. Maybe if he knew Brian then, he could have avoided a few bloody noses administered by boys who called him a sissy. Brian would have protected him. No one would dare call Brian Kinney a sissy. Not and live to tell about it.

They were adolescents by the time Brian was placed in public schools, and already he was tall and handsome and cool. Michael learned the cool factor was largely fašade, but it was a good fašade, and it held up with almost everyone. Almost, but not quite. Michael knew his secrets. Well, some of them. He was pretty sure even Lydia didn't know all the darkness that made Brian who he was. Michael certainly knew him well enough to know that something was eating him alive tonight.

He waited for Brian to tire of the soaring and come back to earth. When he finally did so, he sat there, slumped in the swing, staring down at the ground. Finally, he spoke. "Do you think I'm a bad person, Mikey?"

"No, not fundamentally."

Brian laughed. "That's a ringing endorsement from my best friend."

"You can be an asshole, arrogant, selfish, vain. But you have a good heart, and you care. Is that fair?"

Brian nodded. "Fair enough."

"Is this about Justin?"

Brian cut him a glare. "Can you ever say his name without sounding like you have a stink up your nose?"

"I do have a stink up my nose."

"Why? Because your mom loves him more than she loves you?" Brian teased and Michael frowned.

"Very funny. Because you love him more than you love me. And because he hurt you."

"Not more. Differently. I love him differently than the way I love you."

"Big difference."

"Yeah, I know. And what happened between Justin and me is our business, not yours. You don't have all the facts. You couldn't put up with me as my lover, Mikey. I'm not sure he can, frankly."

"What have you done now?"

"It's not what I've done. It's what I'm going to do."

"Jesus, Brian, why do you have to kick your own ass? Why can't you ever allow yourself to be happy?"

"This isn't about me. It's about Molly."

"What about Molly?"

"She's dying."

"You don't know that."

"I do know that, Mikey," he met his gaze in the last glow of twilight. "I saw it in her eyes. She knows it too."

"What about that bone marrow thing? What was the point of all that?"

"It's not a cure-all. You have to survive the procedure and not everyone does. She's so weak."

"I hope you're wrong, Brian, but even if you're not, what can you do about it?"

"I can make Jeffrey come to Pittsburgh to monitor her treatment and provide comfort to Jennifer and Molly."

Michael frowned. Jeffrey. Dr.Jekyll, or was it Mr. Hyde? He couldn't stand that slick prick. He didn't understand what voodoo Jeffrey could bring to the table that the other doctors lacked. Nothing, was his guess. It was all smoke and mirrors. "He's not a miracle worker, Brian."

"Do you know how important a positive state of mind is with a critically ill patient? Molly likes him. If he's here, she can only feel better about things, and so will her mom. Even if it's not enough, even if we lose her anyway, I could never live with the nagging doubt that if I had been able to coerce Jeff to come to Pittsburgh, she may have had a chance."

"Ok, so he comes to Pittsburgh. So what? You can pay his fucking way."

"It's not about money."

"What's it about?"

"It's about control."

Michael scrunched up his nose in his confused expression. "Huh?"

"Jeff wants to control our relationship. He wants me. He intends to have me. He wants to be sure of it."

"Fuck him! You don't want him, do you?"

"Not anymore. I hate him, Mikey, and I don't hate many people."

Michael sighed, relieved. "Thank god you finally get it. He was using you."

"It's not what he did to me, although yes, he made a fool out of me. He manipulated me, fucked with my mind. But that's not the problem. The problem is what he's doing to Molly."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean he's very subtly bargaining the degree in which he is willing to get involved in her treatment with the degree in which he can control me."

"That has to be illegal or unethical or something!"

"I'm not debating that issue. I don't care if it is. She'd be dead by the time any complaint saw justice. That's a pyrric victory."

Michael stood up and walked over to his friend, standing in front of him, both hands on his shoulders. Brian looked up, resting his own hands on Michael's waist. A casual passerby might mistake them for lovers, perhaps preparing for a session of oral sex, but what they shared was far more intimate than that. "What are you thinking of doing, Brian? I don't like the way this sounds."

"I have to go with him. I have to be his lover, at least for awhile. Until Molly passes this crisis. One way or the other. What else can I do?"

"Why the fuck would he even WANT that? How sad is that? He's gorgeous, rich, an egomaniac... what the fuck?"

"Because he believes it's what I really want, too. That if we start up, I'll want to stay. He is an egomaniac, Mikey, but more than that, he's a gamesman, and this is one big fucking game to him. He has to win. Even if it's not forever, he has to win. He has to beat Justin out, he has to cause me to submit. If I leave later, so be it."

"No one is that psychotic."

"He is."

"Then why do you want him treating Molly?"

"Because he's a psychotic with a special genius and she has a team of doctors who would know if he went south on us."

"So, you'll pimp yourself out to him, like some rent boy? At a cost of losing the one man you do love, the person you FINALLY got back in your life?"

Brian sighed and rested his forehead against Michael's stomach. "What else can I do? I hope Justin will be patient and wait it out. But if Molly survives, which I pray she will, it could be months before we know for sure. How patient can he be? I can't expect that. Even if he knows why I'm doing it, so what? It's torture."

Michael stroked his fingers through his hair. "And you can fuck Jeffrey and sleep in the bed with him and suck his cock as if nothing is wrong?

"I don't know, Mikey. I just don't know. There was a time not long ago when I couldn't get enough of Jeff. Maybe in time I can recapture that feeling. Enough to get through this. Because when I do get through it, I will fuck him up so bad, he won't know what hit him."

Michael smiled, lifting Brian's chin on his fingertips. "You'll still be the loser, Brian. You'll not only have lost Justin, but you'll have lost something much more valuable. Yourself. Hostage love is not something Brian Kinney could survive."

"This hostage love is something Brian Kinney has to survive, because Brian Kinney doesn't have a choice." He tightened his arms around Michael, squeezing hard and then let him go as he stood up. "I have to go. I have to pick him up at the airport."

"How can you not just punch him out on sight, Brian?"

"I don't know," Brian said softly. "I guess I'll just have to remember how Molly looked at me, that resignation in her eyes. That's my mantra to get through this."

"And Justin's mantra?"

"I don't know the answer to that, Mikey. Justin will have to find his own mantra, whether it's to leave me, or to wait. I can't impose anything on him, now can I?"

"Brian, why do you care so much about Molly? I mean beyond the human factor we all feel. She's not your child, your sister. Why have you fallen so hard for her?"

Brian sighed, smoothing his windblown hair with both hands. "I've thought about that. I've even discussed it with Lydia. But there's no pat answer, Justin. I can't say its because I'm reminded of Justin's bashing, or because she's his sister, or because I think about how I would feel if it were Gus. It's all of that. And more. Maybe it's just because she's sick and she's vulnerable, and she loves me. For whatever reason, she fell for me and I fell for her. I want to see her grow up and marry a nice guy and even if this illness means she can never have kids, I want her to adopt and be a good mom. Or maybe run a corporation, I don't care. I want to see her as a woman, happy and well. Does that make any sense at all? I want her to have a chance at life."

Michael hugged him for a long moment. He broke it off with a soft kiss. "I love you, Brian Kinney."

"You too, always have, always will." He waved goodbye and walked to his car. Michael watched him go, then activated his mobile and called in the Marines.

Brian waited on the other side of security at the airport. When he first saw Jeffrey, he was shocked by the wave of anger that swept over him. He wanted to pound the handsome man in the bomber jacket and soft suede pants. He wanted to grind his designer glasses under his heel and push his elegant face into the plate glass doors behind them. He inhaled sharply, waiting for that reaction to pass.

Jeffrey smiled as if they were already living together in bliss and had been sweating out a brief separation. "Hi, baby," he reached for him, but Brian leaned away from his kiss. Jeffrey laughed. "Shy?"

"Let's get something straight. I'm not your boy. I'm not your baby. I won't be mauled in public."

"I like you this way, baby," Jeffrey said with deliberate intent. "Very butch."

Brian said nothing, lighting a cigarette as soon as they were out of the terminal. "There's a habit you'll have to break. Second hand smoke kills." Jeffrey chided him.

"I've been smoking since I was fourteen. I'll quit when I choose to quit, and not before."

"I just can't reconcile such a destructive habit with your strict diet and exercise regimen."

"Frankly, Jeff, I don't give a damn."

"Thank you Miss Scarlet," Jeff responded with a laugh. "Are you driving towards the hospital?"


"Hotel first."

"No, hospital first."

"Brian, I want to go to the hotel first. Understand?"

Brian bit hard on his inner jaw. He diverted their course. At the hotel, he said he would wait in the lobby for him. Jeffrey laughed and said that wasn't the plan. They were going upstairs. Brian resisted. Jeffrey explained being together meant TOGETHER. Brian winced. He went up with him in the elevator. In the room, Jeffrey unpacked, gossiping casually about things happening in New York, the status of Leo and Bill, the upcoming Director's Ball for Wintergarten, at which he was to be the keynote speaker. Brian listened with one ear, marking time, seated in an upright chair in the main room of the suite. When Jeffrey grew silent, Brian looked up to find him standing in the doorway to the bedroom, naked. His toned, well-sculpted body would have been inviting to any gay man, and not long ago, Brian dreamed about touching him. But now he felt nothing but revulsion.

"I'm not interested," he said quietly and Jeffrey smiled.

"But baby... I'm interested. So get interested, okay? It's been awhile. I want you."

Brian shook his head. He felt dead from the waist down. "I can't."

Jeffrey disappeared into the bedroom and reappeared, dangling a pair of handcuffs and a syringe. Brian tensed. "What the hell is in that spike?"

"Let's just call it viagra plus. It could get a marble statue interested. You'll love it."

"I...I don't want to do that. I want my wits about me at the hospital. Drugs fuck up my cognitive skills."

"You won't need cognitive skills, baby. Your COCKnitive skills will do just fine," Jeffrey walked over to him and helped him out of his jacket, and then unbuttoned his shirt. He swabbed his left groin with an antiseptic wipe and slowly inserted the needle into a major vein located deep inside his flesh. Brian cried out at the hot, oily feel of the shot, and Jeffrey smiled.

"Sorry. It's the hormones in it. Oil base."

"Shit!" Brian felt the effect immediately. It was as if Jeffrey had filled his lower body with molten lead. His muscles turned into a hard wall, and his cock grew to full erection with no manipulation, throbbing for release. Within minutes, Jeffrey had him cuffed and threw him down roughly on the bed, face first. "You're going to learn how I like it, Brian," he said harshly, lying on top of him and smoothing his hands all over his exposed flesh. "A little resistance is fun, but don't push me too hard. You'll only make it worse for yourself."

Brian felt as if he couldn't breathe. His heart was hammering at an exaggerated pace, and his dick was pounding like a jungle drum. He broke out in a sweat, the drug tricking every system in his body into overdrive. It was more frightening than thrilling, and when Jeffrey rammed himself up his ass without the mitigation of lube, and with a condom hastily applied, he felt pain like never before, his pain sensation as equally heightened as his pleasure sensors. He came twice, once with such force it was excruciating, the second time in a vain attempt to find release. Jeffrey finished, dismounted, stretched out on the bed, sated. Brian turned, the move made awkward by the cuffs.

"Get these off of me," he insisted. "Can't breathe! Dick hurts..."

Jeffrey smiled and left the bed, returning with a second syringe. "This will fix you up, baby. Cool you down."

"No," Brian tried to protest, but this needle went in the fleshy part of his rump, sending a calming chill throughout his body, replacing the frenetic hyper activity with a blessed passivity. He fell back and Jeffrey uncuffed him, trusting that now he would be too zonked to act out his anger. Brian rolled onto his side, drawing his legs up towards the center in a fetal position, pulling a pillow over his head to block out the light. Beyond that, he couldn't move.

Jeffrey watched him and smiled. Modern medicine was a marvelous thing, he realized again. One way or another, it always got him what he wanted. For as long as he wanted it. Glancing down at Brian's beautiful body, he realized he might well want this one for an eternity.

Justin and Jennifer looked up as Jeffrey entered the lounge for the isolation rooms, trailed by Brian. Jennifer stood and embraced Jeffrey, thrilled to see him, while Justin stared at Brian, realizing he looked stoned, or worse. As Jennifer walked with Jeffrey to the nurses' station, Brian sat down heavily in a chair, resting his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. He was still numb, frozen, going through the motions of walking and speaking and breathing in and out. His ass ached, his head ached, and his heart was a block of ice.

Justin went over to him and slipped an arm across his shoulders. "Look at me."

Brian didn't respond.

"I said look at me," Justin spread a hand on top of his head, gently urging it back. Brian let him, staring vacantly into his eyes. "I love you, Brian. I don't care. Nothing can change that. Nothing can make me love you less."

Brian sighed and pulled him against him, pressing his cheek to his chest. He knew that wasn't true. Just this one encounter had changed Brian, made him feel less than human and absolutely without choice. "Don't wait for me, I don't know what you'd get back," he whispered and Justin smiled sadly.

"It's still you. Come on," Justin made him stand. Holding his hand, he led him into the men's room and sat him down on a toilet in a stall. He left him there and came back with a mass of damp paper towels, sponging off his face and neck. Brian closed his eyes, letting Justin bathe him, soothed by his touch. Justin locked the door and smiled down at him.

"When was the last time we did it in a public john? Together?"

"In the hospital for fuck's sake?" Brian insisted. "I don't think I can..."

Justin leaned over and kissed him deeply. Old, familiar emotions broke through Brian's haze and he returned the kiss, grasping for something he understood. Justin lowered himself onto Brian's lap, deepening the kiss. Brian felt desire break through his haze of drugs and self-loathing. He slipped his hands under Justin's shirt, exploring his back and then down to his firmly rounded ass. He moved beneath him, his love for him combining with a raw need to have a sexual experience based on a positive emotion. Justin reached down and opened Brian's fly, massaging him into a firm erection and then kneeling before the toilet, hands resting on Brian's thighs, as he fellated him. Brian groaned, head back, hands scrubbing Justin's pale hair, lost in the fire of their joint sexuality. He came without effort and it was the release that eluded him earlier, rocking him back with its intensity.

"Not so fast, sexy boy," Justin whispered, standing up and straddling Brian, lowering his own zipper. Brian looked up into Justin's challenging blue eyes and then down at his turgid erection. "My turn," Justin said hoarsely and gasped as Brian took him in hand and slid his lips down the shaft until they brushed his reddish gold pubes, then up again. "He can tell himself he has you, but he can't keep us apart," Justin whispered, anchoring himself by holding Brian's shoulders, letting him take him to paradise.

"Don't let him give you drugs, Brian," Justin said as they straightened up at the mirrors above the sinks. "Even if you have to do something you don't want to do, don't let him give you drugs to get through it. He can take you down that way. Promise me you won't."

Brian nodded, knowing he was right. "I love you."

"I know. I love you too. And we both love Molly."

"Justin, my big plan to get revenge on him, I can't do it now. It's too dangerous with her so sick. For now, he's driving."

"I know. Good. It was probably something stupid anyway. You and your half-assed schemes," he taunted him.

Brian smiled. He couldn't believe he was smiling. "It was a good plan, and I'm still gonna do it when Molly is better."

Justin laughed and said nothing. They hugged once more and shared a long kiss before leaving the bathroom. When they did walk out, Jeffrey was standing there with Jennifer and Justin met his knowing glare with a triumphant smile. "Take that you scumsucker," he thought to himself. He may think he won, but he didn't and he never would.

Brian loved Justin, and no good deed was going to overcome that fact. What Justin didn't tell Brian was that the Marines had met. They had a scheme of their own. The only thing they weren't sure of was when to pull the trigger. He was already performing the biggest part of his role. Keeping Brian calm and connected. Justin hated thinking of Jeffrey touching Brian, making love to him, but more than that, he hated the idea of Jeffrey enslaving Brian, capturing his beautiful free spirit and dulling it with drugs and humiliation. He hated him. He was pure evil. And yet...

Three hours after Jeffrey, upon consultation with Molly's doctors, altered her protocol in two major respects, she was breathing more easily. Her temperature went down from 104 to 101. Her kidneys output more urine. Her pulse rate grew stronger. For what it was worth, Jeffrey was keeping up his end of the bargain. And so the games began.


Disclaimer: The television show Queer As Folk and its characters are the property of Showtime and CowLip Productions. No money is being made. Stories and discussion are intended purely for the entertainment of fans of Queer as Folk, the Brian and Justin characters, and Randall's writings.
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July 25, 2004