An Open Letter to Brian Kinney from Justin Taylor
I know you're scared, you can't fool me. I saw it on your face that night when Stockwell came into the loft and busted us. You held up to him, but you were scared. So was I. And then, when you were fired, I know how big a blow that was. Your professional success and material possessions have been a huge part of how you gauge your worthiness to the world. Now all of that is threatened. You wonder exactly who you are and what you have to offer. I expected you to take two steps back, and you have.
After all, your second source of self-esteem was your sexual attractiveness to other men. So you had to prove it still existed, and it does, Brian. It's all there. But let's face it. You're a faggot, and faggots turn 32 and their world does begin to change. Even before you lost your job, you found out you were pursuing a little more than before, not just being pursued. You're still beautiful, you always will be, and still hot, you always will be, but it's different, isn't it? And that scares you.
You've always been a star in the gay community. Pittsburgh's biggest stud and most sought after fuck. Cool. But now, Brian, now you have a chance to preserve your star status and your dignity, because biggest stud status is by definition a fading commodity. Now you can be a star by showing the community just how big those famous balls can be as you fight against the hypocricy and wrong mindedness of segments of the straight world, using whatever subversive method you choose. Be a hero. Not just my hero, you already are that, but a hero to our culture. I'll be your sidekick, your co-conspirator, your partner.
I love you Brian and I know you love me. Don't follow Ted's example and descend into a spiral of self destruction and self parody. Don't push me away, and don't make me be your parent figure. We fought long and hard to get what we have right now. We don't have to follow straight rules on how a relationship should be, we don't have to walk down an aisle and you never have to tell me you love me, I already know. But you do have to respect me and our partnership. I will be there with you if we are living in alleys and eating out of garbage cans to subsist. So long as I know you care.
So stop with the orgy parties, you can't afford to stock the bar, and stop drifting all day, looking for new mischief. Get a grip. Let's plan what the next step should be together. Start your own agency? Move to New York and get a job there? Go into politics? I don't care. Whatever you choose to do, I'm right there with you. Don't be afraid, Brian. I'm not. It's all in front of us. Take my hand. Squeeze it tightly. I'm right here beside you.
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July 25, 2004