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Chapter 7: Got a Whole Lotta Love

First post of a story on the new site! Here goes. Let me know if it doesn't work!

Dee sighed. "I know this is a big shock to you, Brian." She thought he looked sixteen again, strangely vulnerable. Brian always had such an amazing capacity for pain, and he kept it trapped inside, percolating into full blown misery. She believed it was the constant acting out by his father that caused Brian to restrain his emotions so carefully. It was as though he wanted nothing about himself to emulate Jack Kinney. She tried to take his hand, but he withdrew.

"Who are you mad at?" she continued. "Aidan or me?"

"Do I have to pick only one? Is it multiple choice? I choose all of the above."

"Ok, I understand that. I'm sorry. I never intended for you to know. There was no reason for you to know."

"That makes it alright, then," he said with a dour expression. "As long as I don't know."

"It does in a way. It couldn't hurt you. Or him. Only me."

"How could you do that to me? I thought you cared about me," he knew he sounded like a wounded child. He couldn't seem to help himself. He was feeling very young and vulnerable at that moment. He didn't want the responsibility of having an unexpected teenaged son, but more than that, he didn't want his memory of his youthful romance destroyed by a hard truth.

"I did care about you, Brian. I loved you."

He smiled slightly, without mirth. "So fucking my uncle was just a little bit on the side, is that it?"

"It wasn't like that."

"How was it, Dee? Did he rape you?"

"Of course not."

"Then tell me. We were pretty hot and heavy ourselves by then. When did you squeeze in an affair with my uncle?" He wanted to make some age remark until he reminded himself about the age difference between Justin and himself.

"Shit happens," she said quietly. "Neither of us planned it."

"More specific."

Her sad expression confused Brian. He thought back to that weekend at the farm, trying to recall any sign that a relationship was developing between Dee and Aidan. So many emotions were swirling in that old farmhouse that it was difficult for him to isolate incidents limited to those two people.


At dinner, Jack and Aidan argued volubly about Jack's sale of the homestead. Brian tried to intervene, once, embarrassed to have this discussion taking place in front of his friends, but he was instantly shut down. His mother had slipped into her silent mode, removing herself from the fray. Finally Aidan stood up, throwing down his napkin and glaring at his oldest brother.

"What are you gonna do with the money anyway, Jack? Piss it all away on booze and broads? Fuck all to the family, to the history of this house in the Kinney clan, to the fact I won't even have a home! All you care about is having a few bucks so you can play the big guy to your pals at the union hall before you lose it all to your fucking vices!"

Jack stood, leaning towards his brother in a threatening gesture. "MY vices? What the fuck are MY vices? Look who's talking! You fucking drug pushing womanizing piece of shit!"

"When the hell have I ever pushed a drug? And at least I'm single, Jack! When I fuck around, it's not taking anything away from a wife and family."

"Because no one would have you, you fucking drifter! It's about time you had to work like the rest of us instead of living off your relatives! Mom and Dad always spoiled you because you were the baby, because you were such a pretty boy, well, the gravy train has ended. Get your fine ass out on the street and make your own fucking living!"

"I've worked my whole life, you son of a bitch. I've worked my ass off on this farm for less than slave wages! Fuck you, Jack! You don't know a god damned thing about me!"

"I know you're more useless than tits on a boar hog!"

Aidan pushed him, Jack pushed back and Brian stood up, pulling Aidan back. Jack shoved his son, and Aidan threw a punch that Jack deflected. Dee and Michael watched in awe, coming from families where things never got physical.

"Stop it!" Joan Kinney intervened. "STOP IT! Both of you."

"You stay out of this, woman!" Jack demanded, but Aidan held up his hands and left the room and the house. "Chicken shit," Jack grumbled. Brian looked from him to Dee and then he left, too, feeling mortified by their exchange. Dee exchanged a look with Michael, and then stood, excusing herself as she followed Brian out.

In the darkness, the temperature had dropped and she felt chilly, even in her red sweater, as she looked around for her friend. The overhanging trees and lack of outdoor lighting made her quest even more perilous. She was drawn to a noise in the shed beside the house, and she followed it. The light was on, and the hood was up on the old Ford truck. Aidan was working on it, a cigarette hanging limply from his lips, his shirtsleeves rolled up on his strong forearms. The smell that greeted her informed her the stick he was smoking was not tobacco. She started to back out, but he saw her and said, "You lost?"

"I...I was looking for Brian."

"Not in here."

"Ok. Sorry."

"Dee...I'm sorry you had to see that," he looked away from the engine at her, wiping the grease from his hands on a faded red cloth. "Brian's a nice kid. He can't help the family he was born into."

"I know. It's ok. I'm sorry you're losing...that you have to move."

"It's too bad. I used to hate this place. No young guy wants to live so far from the action and work from dawn until dusk for no money. But it's funny. Since I came back here, I've found a kind of peace that was missing from my life in Philly. I wouldn't have stayed here forever, but I could have used another six months to get my shit together. I guess that won't happen," he extended the joint towards her and she took a hit from it, experiencing an unexpected tingle when her lips made contact with the damp paper; damp from his lips. His lips were like Brian's, full and dark raspberry in color. And yet there was a sage, sophisticated quality in Aidan that Brian lacked. Where Brian was still tentative and uncertain about sex and about the whole male/female mystique, Dee sensed Aidan was one of those men who had that whole mystery figured out and catalogued.

"Brian's wonderful," she said softly, blushing beneath his intense gaze. What Kinney gene had given both Aidan and Brian those hazel eyes that seemed to shift from celadon to gold to true green, depending on the light and their internal emotional barometer?

"You guys in love?" Aidan asked with a taunting smile and she wrinkled her nose, unable to share that intimacy with him. "Sorry," he retreated. "None of my business. I'm glad. I thought Brian may be...well, it doesn't matter. I'm happy for him. For you both."

She shrugged as he went on. "First love is a big deal."

"Who was your first love?"

Aidan laughed. He had a charming laugh, like a boy. "Haven't met her yet! I'm a slow learner."

"I don't believe it."

"What don't you believe?"

"That you've never had a girlfriend."

"Didn't say that. Said I haven't been in LOVE. There's a difference."

"Why haven't you been?"

"I guess I run when things get a little too intense with someone. Except for my mom and dad, I haven't seen too many marriages that I would consider happy. Or even tolerable."

"My parents are happy."

"Then they're lucky, and so are you."

Silence extended between them, and she changed the subject. "What's wrong with the truck?"

"It's as old as I am, and just about as well maintained. It's been on life support so long, it forgot how to breathe on its own."

"Does it run?"

"Limps along is more like it."

"Did you check to see if the fuel line was clogged with sediments?"

He smirked at her. "Who are you? Suzy Mechanic?"

"Girls aren't stupid, you know. My Dad has a collection of antique cars. I've worked on them with him since I was little."

"The fuel line recently had a blow job," he quipped, watching her bend over the engine block, focusing on her nicely rounded derriere. "It's not that."

She giggled at his double entendre and picked up the greasy rag to handle the carburetor. "Have you taken the carb apart? To see if it's clean?"

"Do you know how hard it is to rebuild a carburetor?"

"Sure I do. I've done it, well....assisted."

"I've never met a girl who even knows what a carburetor is," he said with a wide, engaging smile. "Want another toke?"

She turned and he placed the waning joint between her lips, holding it for her as she inhaled. The fragrant smoke made her feel giddy and he put out the roach between his wetted fingertips and tossed the remains in an empty coffee can he kept there for that purpose.

"It's really strong," she said, feeling the warm bliss spread through out her body. Aidan nodded.

"It's from Maui."

"You were in Maui?"

"No, a friend brought it back for me. I'm almost through with that lid, though. Back to the cheap seats."

"Do you smoke a lot?"

He laughed. "I'm not a pothead. But I've tried to avoid the Kinney curse of drinking too much, and this is my substitute after working hard all day. And farm work is hard, no matter what my asshole brother says. Especially when you are doing it virtually on your own."

"I'm sure it is. I can't get this cap off. Can you hand me a wrench?"

He leaned over her, his hand gliding down her outstretched arm to close on the cap. His slim body was pressed close to her back and she could feel his warmth and smell his scent, a blend of pot smoke and Ivory soap. She felt a little flip of sexual tension tingle between her thighs as his rough hand covered hers. With his applied strength, the cap came off. "Easy as 1,2,3," he said, letting his hand glide up her arm and shoulder, over her back and down to her waist as he withdrew. She shuddered under his touch. When she looked over her shoulder at him, he smiled. His handsome face assumed a different aspect as he placed his hands on her waist and turned her gently towards him. He closed the gap he opened so she could turn. He leaned down, kissing her on the lips.

Dee stiffened with surprise, her hands flat on his firm chest, but the passion ignited by the knowledgeable caress of his tongue and the exciting pressure of his body against hers flooded her with endorphins, chasing away her defenses. She felt him respond by the push of his fly against her pelvis and she stepped back, staring at his flushed features. "I...I can't."

He sighed. "Of course not. I was out of line. I'm sorry, Dee."

"It's just that Brian..."

"Yes, I understand, believe me. I shouldn't have."

"Me either, I..." she looked up at him. He was Brian with a masculine edge that came with maturity, or perhaps with a more well-defined heterosexuality. He met her eyes and leaned against the Ford. His long thighs were slightly spread, making no attempt to conceal the bulge of his erection that followed the line of his button front fly. His arms were crossed over his chest, his exposed forearms tightly muscled and smooth. She sighed and started to walk away. Something stopped her.

Aidan had grabbed the back of her sweater. She stopped and looked over her shoulder at him. He yanked her towards him and then slammed her up against the truck, kissing her hotly. His hand roamed inside her sweater to grope her breasts with firm expertise. She closed her eyes, letting her own hand drift to his hip, forming the curve of his buttock as he probed her with his tongue. Suddenly, he was lifting her, over the guard wall of the truck's bed, into the back. She supported herself on her elbows as he climbed in with her, moving her up to rest her head against a soft bag of grain. He used the strength and width of his body to separate her legs, crawling over her. His knees and the flats of his hands kept his weight off of her as he leaned down and kissed her again.

Slowly, he lowered himself over her, the push of his erection like a steel girder against her pubis. He pulled off his shirt, exposing his hard torso and firm back to her touch. Her hands traced the smooth, v-shape of his back down to the waistband of his jeans. She found herself moving her hips instinctively to meet the grind of his pelvis. His hand was on the front of her jeans, opening her zipper, dipping inside, his long fingers finding that place and titillating it with a gentle, knowledgeable, droning tap. Just before she reached orgasm, he stopped and unbuttoned his fly. He wore no underwear, a fact she found stimulating. He guided her hand to his erection, groaning as she began to caress him.

The kissing never stopped, the touch of his free hand on her breast, teasing her nipples, keeping the flame hot. She knew she should stop him, should at least tell him she was a virgin, but she couldn't do anything but ride his wave. "I've gotta have it, baby," he whispered in her ear, and she felt him move into position.

"Go slow," she pleaded, suddenly afraid, but he didn't need to be told how to proceed. He had done this many times before. He never suspected it was her first time, she was far too receptive to suggest that level of inexperience.

Virginity is an emotional as well as a physical state. Physically, years of horseback riding and other opportunities to lose that fragile skin had taken away the barrier that demarked physiological virginity. But emotionally she was as frightened and unsure as any woman would be. She feared the pain, and the penetration was not without a burn. But he was caring and mindful of her needs as he moved up inside of her, slowly proceeding towards his goal, but enjoying every inch of the ride. The pain was not as extreme as she suspected it would be, and soon the hypnotic stroking of his shaft against her clitoris and inflamed vaginal tissues introduced a building pleasure that eclipsed her discomfort.

She wrapped her legs over his calves and spread her hands on his back as she pled, "Whatever you're doing, don't stop!"

"Not until it's time, baby," he whispered against her ear, settling into a steady rhythm that worked for both of them. She moved with him, increasing the contact, and when she reached orgasm, she was neither quiet nor restrained about it, letting it roll through her body in waves so strong they convulsed her back into an arch and threw her head back, her throat exposed to his lips. While she was still trembling under the intensity of her release, he shot. He filled her with so much seed that it overflowed down her thighs and pasted him against her.

For a long moment, they didn't move, letting the final twitches of pleasure cycle through, then he withdrew gently and retrieved clean towels. She was relieved to see there was no blood, as he said, "You're on the pill, right?"

"Uh, ok, yeah," she lied, too embarrassed to admit the truth. It was too late now to ask that question, with his semen still flowing out of her as she mopped it up and stepped into her jeans. "You always....I mean, so MUCH?"

He sighed. "Kinney curse. We're a very fertile bunch."

Those words were chilling. He had repaired his clothing and he hopped out of the truck and held out his hands to her, lifting her and then depositing her gently on the ground. She zipped her jeans, feeling a blend of excitement over what she had just experienced and guilt over Brian. Aidan kissed her tenderly. "Go take a nice warm bath. We have this great tub with claw feet and you can float in it , it's so big. I'd love to wash your back, but I don't think that's a good idea."

She smiled. "No, I don't think it is. Aidan...you won't tell..."

"I never kiss and tell, Dee. I hope you don't either. They say confession is good for the soul, but I've only seen it fuck up relationships. It's our little secret."

She nodded, looking back over her shoulder as she walked away, committing the handsome image of her first lover to memory. At that moment, she had no way of knowing, that image was also the face of her baby's father, a baby begun with one careless moment in the back of a truck. Oldest story ever told.

"In the truck. In the shed. With everyone still up and wandering around," Brian said incredulously as Dee told him the high points while they were at Woody's. She sighed.

"No one saw us, Brian. I'm not proud of it. It just happened. I can't explain it. Sometimes people do stupid things."

He was staring at her with disbelief. "You didn't even KNOW him!"

"I knew I was enormously attracted to him and he certainly knew how to seduce a girl. He reminded me of you, only to the nth degree because he was all grown up and..." she hesitated.

"And what?" he prompted her. "Straight?"

"It's not as if you never told me you were attracted to guys too, Brian. As it turns out, you are attracted to guys, only."

"As it turns out, yeah."

"So we were headed for disaster one way or another."

Brian leaned back, still feeling betrayed. By Aidan, by Dee, by his own weaknesses. "Did you do it with him again?"

"Does that really matter?"

"I don't know, but tell me if you did."

"I don't want to discuss any more intimate details of my relationship with Aidan, Brian."

"RELATIONSHIP?" he laughed cynically. "When did fucking become a relationship?"

"Don't be ugly about it. Not after all this time. He's Mick's father. And I feel as if I did become closer to him, before that weekend was over, and not just sexually. Aidan was a very lonely, conflicted man."

"Yeah, well why should he be any different from the rest of us? I guess you got a big laugh out of me when we did it and I made such a big deal of making sure I didn't hurt you. No wonder you didn't bleed. You had that bullshit story ready to go about how you lost it riding horses. I believed it, by the way."

"I didn't bleed with him either, Brian. That hymen was gone. It wasn't a lie."

"Whatever, it WAS a lie. You weren't a virgin."

She sighed. "Yes, I suppose it was. I'm sorry. I appreciate how gentle you were."

"What an idiot I was," he said with a laugh. "Made such a big deal out of it. You must have been laughing at me over my shoulder. I was the only virgin in the pair."

"I never laughed at you. I felt guilty and scared. I loved you. I was confused. I thought I may be pregnant. I thought maybe we could make a go of it. I was too young to know any better. I thought, after all, it is a Kinney baby."

"Thanks a lot."

"In the end, I couldn't do that to you. So I left. With my Mom. I moved to Austria. I had the baby there. And I met my future husband there, too. He was in the State Department. When we got married, we moved to New York City, and then to Atlanta, where he did consulting work. I like Atlanta. I stayed there after the divorce. There was never any reason for you to know anything, Brian. Not until Mickey got involved."

"Why did you name him Michael?"

"Because you told me if you ever had a son, you would name him after your best friend."

"But he wasn't my son."

"I know. But I thought of him that way. I did love you, Brian."

"And Aidan?"

"An impossible dream."

"Ironically, I'm the impossible dream, Dee. At least Aidan is straight."

"I know that now."

Brian paid the check. "Let's go."

"Where to?"

"Somewhere away from here. There's someone I want you to meet."

"I don't feel like meeting anyone, Brian. Not tonight."

"Tough," he said softly, escorting her to his jeep and slamming the door as he threw the car into gear and headed for the highway.


Go to Chapter 8

Disclaimer: The television show Queer As Folk and its characters are the property of Showtime and CowLip Productions. No money is being made. Stories and discussion are intended purely for the entertainment of fans of Queer as Folk, the Brian and Justin characters, and Randall's writings.
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July 25, 2004