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SILENCE AND TEARS: Introduction

A story of love and redemption by Randall Morgan

Hi, my name is Randall and I love Brian Kinney. Other than my late friend, Michael Mele, I'm not sure anyone loves Brian more than me. I have devoted endless hours to writing about Brian Kinney, trying to get my own mind wrapped around why he means so much to me.

When season five ended, I made no secret of my feelings of betrayal and anger. I still feel betrayed, but the rage has passed. I feel the people who were in control of the show hit magic with the relationship between Brian and Justin, and then they set out to erode it. To do so, they turned Justin into someone I loathed.

But for me, the love story of Brian and Justin was haunting my creative side. They were the first sexual, loving, openly gay couple I've ever seen on television who truly captured me. For that, I will always be grateful. I miss them. I miss their promise that was never delivered. I hate where they were left.

I wrote my own Brian/OMC story to try and work through my sense of betrayal, and it did help vent the rage. My partner is writing a Brian/OMC story that I find engaging and believable. With Cael, I have written an AU diary that never allowed Season 5 to exist.

But in my soul, something was missing, and that was the magic that began in season one, showed signs of reviving in season three and died a terrible death in season five. I'm ready to take another look at it and to put down in writing that attempt.

Everyone is welcome to read it.

I apologize in advance to those of you who feel that I am being a traitor to my rage, to my loathing for what Justin became, for wanting Brian to have a different happy ending. Please do not read this story and please do not comment on it and please do not send me your loathing in email or on my rrambles site, because I get it. I understand. I feel your pain. But for me, personally, rage is not healthy. And I write. I write what I feel. And I don't apologize for that. Don't read it. Consider your contempt delivered and accepted.

For those of you who never gave up on the magic, give me a chance. Read it and hang in there over the rough spots. Tell me how it's going.

This is not a Justin bashing story. If that's what you're hoping for, move on. This is not a Brian is an innocent victim story. This is my attempt to look into just how complicated love can be.

The premise is that I accept EVERYTHING that Cowlips gave us, good and bad. All of it. My only creative reservation is that I get to have my own insight into motivations.

It begins with the night Justin left Brian to go to New York.

The title is taken from a Byron poem, "When We Two Parted." It's a beautiful poem, please read it. There is more explanation of it in Chapter 1.

Here goes. Bear with me. I have something to say, I hope you want to hear it.

Love,
Randall

Silence and Tears

Chapters 1-8 | Chapters 9-16 | Chapters 17-21

When We Two Parted

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow—
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me—
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met—
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

- Lord Byron








Icons by Heather

Disclaimer: The television show Queer As Folk and its characters are the property of Showtime and CowLip Productions. No money is being made. Stories and discussion are intended purely for the entertainment of fans of Queer as Folk, the Brian and Justin characters, and Randall's writings.
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Beginning
July 25, 2004